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ADVICE COLUMN

ADVICE COLUMN

Edition 15

Who’s in Paris?

You know this is supposed to be an advice column but I like the personal question, you know it really adds some connection between you (the readers) and me (God). Well since you asked, who am I to refuse what the people want. If I could wake up tomorrow having gained ONE quality it would be knowing when to shut up. Like seriously, they leave me unhinged like a ravaged dog on this advice column and absolutely no one checks me so you best believe I utilize that fully. So if I just had the ability to, you know like maybe, I don’t know...not act like I don’t know how to regulate my thoughts that would be pretty nice I think? Every time you click on the advice column it’s just straight word vomit from the pit of hell which is my mind. Self-censoring would be nice, but sadly this is all hypothetical. So will I ever learn to shut up? No, I don’t think I will. 

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Whatever you do, DON’T have an actual healthy adult conversation with your friend to clear up what has been said. DON’T approach them like a reasonable person that cares about the friendship at all. What you should do is definitely get all your other friends involved, pit them against each other, and never apologize for clarity (Lol see how dumb that is now?). Just talk to them straight up. Let anyone who is not involved in the situation say what they want to say but what matters is that your friend knows you would never say something bad about them.

My friend thinks I said something bad about them but I didn’t. What do I do?

I’m scared to ask someone to prom but I still really want to. Any ideas on how I should do it?

You’re going to need some money for this plan but I guarantee you you will have a 100% success rate. Here is the material list: 

  • Mr. Syed 

  • Poster with some cute variation of “will you go to prom with me?” 

  • Friends 

  • Rose petals  

  • Bouquet of flowers

  • Speaker to play music  

  • A giant box

 Alright so first off, you’re going to have to bribe Mr. Syed to be a part of this extravagant proposal. I can’t tell you how much he’ll charge because he is a busy man, but be prepared to pay any amount to feature this celebrity. What should happen after that is on one random day when your date walks into school from Gate 2 or wherever, you’ll create a tunnel for them to walk through with a line of your friends creating that tunnel. Some cheesy love song will be playing in the background as your friends throw rose petals up in the air to illuminate and romanticize their sexy walk from Gate 2 to the breezeway. As your desired prom date is walking through, music and rose petals in the air, they’ll be FLUSHED and wondering who could possibly do this for them at 8:50 in the morning? Their question will be answered as they go to the outside of the breezeway and see Mr. Syed holding up the “will you go to prom with me?” poster. At first, the prom date will be confused, like what is Mr. Syed doing here, but then BAM you pop out of the box that was in front of Mr. Syed, holding a bouquet of flowers, and then asking the desired person if they would be your prom date. The whole adventure will take them so off guard, it will be SO romantic, that they will 100% say yes. Also, who would dare to say no to someone who hired Mr. Syed for their prom date plan? I mean come on, look at the guy, there’s no way you could say no. There you have it, your ROAR approved plan to ask someone to prom.

I got rejected from my dream college. I don’t know how to move on.

Lol go on @collegefessing on Instagram and see all the stupid things people at your dream college do. It’ll be a quick cure to not want to go there anymore.

What should I wear to prom?

A mask.

HL AA Maths with Dr. Muca. A walk in the park really. The easiest class I’ve seen people take. Easy A all the time. Homework? Doesn’t exist in that class. I even heard rumors that the HL AA kids take it just for the bragging rights. Whole-time they’re not even doing real maths. Easiest IB class. 


*Just to clarify this is a joke so please don’t cry the first day in your HL AA class after seeing the work. 

What’s the easiest IB class?

What’s the hardest IB class?

I’m going to sound like a teacher here but really “hard” and “easy” are such relative terms I can’t advise you what classes to take because they’re “easy” or “hard”. No one can really tell you what class is easy or hard so just play into your own strengths.

My friend POSTED that they’re taking a social media break. How do I help them in this clearly troubling time?

Reply with “I don’t remember asking”. You may get blocked.

What should I watch on Netflix right now? 

  • Pele (documentary about football player Pele which is really good) 

  • The Trial of Chicago Seven (Sacha Baron Cohen is in it so do I really need to say anything else) 

  • Howl’s Moving Castle (any Studio Ghibli film is art) 

  • The Social Network (a movie about the coming up of Mark Zuckerberg but it paints him as a jerk so I’m all about that) 

  • Bojack Horseman (a cartoon tv-show about a talking horse battling addiction - also my favorite show ever) 

  • Midnight Gospel (a cartoon tv-show about a handsome chad and his podcast he does throughout his adventures) 

  • Big Mouth (yes I like big mouth) 

Oh man this isn’t really a decision I think I can weigh in on but my advice is to ask your friends who are going to school in person what they think and how it is going for them. Also, talk to your parents. I mean if they’re letting it up to you to decide, you can always try going to school after orientation for a couple of days in order for you to form your own opinion on it, and then make a decision based on that as well.

I don’t know if I should go to school in person or remain online? What should I do?

I'm so excited to go to college, I'm feeling increasingly bored and tired of school. How do I focus up for these final months?

Senioritis am I right. I think the best thing to do is allot a specific amount of time every day solely for yourself to do what you like to do. This will be good for you to not feel overwhelmed or burnt out from school since it is the beginning of the end right now. Indirectly when you know you have this amount of time to spend on yourself, it’ll help you reserve energy for the other parts of the day to focus on school.

I want to celebrate my birthday but I’m not sure how because of COVID.

Host a virtual call with all your close friends and just have fun playing games and talking. It would be the safest way and also the most inclusive way to hang out and celebrate your birthday.

Should I do the IB program?

Ah, yes. The famous 10th-grade question that lingers in their minds, should I do the IB program? Well, lucky for you, I’m not only an IB diploma year two student, but I actually invented the IB. Yeah. Therefore I’m the PERFECT person you should ask for this. All you need to do is ask yourself three questions:

  1. Why do I want to do the IB program? You have to be honest with yourself here because if you’re not honest now you are going to be in for a bumpy ride the next two years. Do you want to do the IB program because you think it looks better on college applications? Do you want to do the IB program because you’re scared people will think you’re dumb if you don’t? Or do you want to do the IB program because you genuinely believe that the level of demanding work ethic and efficiency is something you can handle? I suggest that if you are trying to do the IB program or think you need to for any other reason than simply for the sake of you wanting to do it with no pressure, thennnnn I think you might want to really consider your options. 

  2. Do I want the IB PROGRAM or just the IB courses? You’re an independent person who doesn’t need no program. Seriously though, you can easily take the same courses you would have with the program, except without the added work and stress of the TOK essay, TOK presentation, and Extended Essay. Also, maybe you don’t want to take 3 HL classes. Well if you just do the IB courses, you can take 2 HL’s or maybe 1 who knows what you want to do, but you can take more SL courses if that’s more manageable for you, and that way you still get the IB course experience. I get a feeling from the atmosphere of this school that people feel like the IB program is the only way to demonstrate your intellectual potential (or whatever that means) but you seriously should consider what your high school experience would look like being an IB course candidate. 

  3. Am I ready to fail and learn? Of course, the IB is tricky in the beginning, as all new things are. I know for myself at the beginning of the IB, I was really taken aback by all of the new study methods I had to learn, and the formatting of tests. Not everyone will, but some kids will fail and some kids won’t (not just in the beginning). So you have to really ask yourself if you are ready for the possibility of not understanding something the first time or getting the grade you wanted. But more than that, you have to really ask yourself that if that happens, would you be willing to learn from that.  

 

This was a somewhat serious response so really try to do a lot of self-reflection during this time. Talk to your parents, counselor, teachers, and other current IB students. Also remember that if you change your mind and think it is not for you, don’t be afraid to bring it up.

Should I invest in bitcoin?

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My friend and I both applied to the same college but they got in and I didn’t. What do I do?

Revenge. 

Here is a detailed step-by-step process that you need to follow closely if this happens. So, look, you know they got in, and let’s just say hypothetically they end up choosing to go to that college. Since this person is already your friend, you could probably easily find out when they are going to end up traveling to move into their college dorm. When you ask them when they are going, just slyly also ask them what airline and what time, details that correlate as so. Now that you know when they are going, you have to book a plane ticket on the same exact plane, time, date so you can end up on the same flight as your friend. 

When that day finally comes, you have to wear a disguise so when you show up at the airport you’re completely unrecognizable to your friend and others around. As you’re boarding the plane, look around to see where your friend is seated (THIS IS IMPORTANT). Next, you’re going to have to create a large distraction in order for there to be some sort of frenzy on the plane, and then you can access your friend. When there is turbulence mid-flight or whatnot, what you’re going to have to do is crawl on the ground so no one can see you and then rapidly open all of the airplane exit doors so everyone will be freaking out, trying to close the doors and figure out who opened the doors. This is where it gets a bit morbid but just stick with me, okay. You have to sprint to where your friend is, and then drag them to one of the open airplane doors that you have caused. It will be such a high-stress situation with everyone freaking out that no one will notice you doing it. Once you drag your friend, hold them dramatically by their coat, hanging out the open airplane door, briefly take off your facial disguise, and then whisper “vive le roi” as you push them out the door. Promptly take off the rest of your disguise so if anyone saw you originally open all the airplane doors, you look completely different now! 

Now, your friend is gone, but the college doesn’t necessarily know that. Since you guys were friends too, you know enough personal details to act like them as well. And would you look at that, there is a free space opened at their college! Full-proof plan.