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The world of American fast food is undoubtedly a contentious one, everyone holding their own unique opinion based on each restaurants’ food, service, and - of course - childhood memories. For me, those memories were pulling into the drive through of a Taco Bell late at night, ordering a couple mexican pizzas, drenching its cheesy surface in delicious Taco Bell hot sauce, and eating away at my heart's content. Frankly, nothing can hinder the satisfaction of biting into a fresh mexican pizza… except the fact that they discontinued it in September 2020. Aside from that obviously terrible business decision, however, the Taco Bell experience is so much more than the food itself. We could talk about how they have 7,268 outlets in the US alone, or maybe even their almost $2 billion dollars in annual revenue. But in reality, some things are even more important than just the money: for example, their merch.


With their extensive collection of merch, Taco Bell is unparalleled to that of other fast food chains. Have you ever sat in bed and wondered what your next big purchase should be? Of course, most people may be thinking about shoes they’ve wanted for years or maybe a PS5, but what you’ve all been sleeping on is obviously the Taco Bell onesie. Yes, you did in fact read that right. Originally listed at the affordable price of $90, this onesie is both a fashion statement and a symbol of your loyalty to the Taco Bell brand. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to be dressed as a hot sauce packet? So if you’re ever looking to spice your life up, be sure to check out the onesie. If you need even more incentive, it’s on a perpetual 50% sale (because Taco Bell is just so generous, not because no one ever buys it of course)!


Prom may have just concluded for seniors, but imagine if someone had pulled up in a fancy blazer, waistcoat, and a Taco Bell BOWTIE. They would undoubtedly have been the center of attention, a clear fashion icon who displayed their superiority to anyone who stood in their path. So for all the students already thinking about what their prom may look like in the future, never forget the immense potential the Taco Bell bowtie has to elevate your prom day. Also, for those of you who feel the bowtie may be slightly excessive, Taco Bell obviously has a normal dress tie so that people aren’t overwhelmed by your allure.


If you’re not particularly into clothing, Taco Bell still has options for you; most notably, the newly released Taco Bell bicycle. Remember the memories of your first time riding a bicycle, where your parents were pushing you off until suddenly you realized they had let go and you were riding on your own. Well now pretend you had a Taco Bell bicycle and multiply those exuberant feelings by 10, because that’s exactly what this bicycle could have done for you. Although it may be $450 and have no particularly unique features, it still has a level of style unparalleled by a traditional bike simply because it is from Taco Bell.


Finally, we can move into the plethora of accessories Taco Bell offers. Why spend hundreds of dollars on overpriced sunglasses when you could get not one, not two, but three uniquely shaped sunglasses (including shapes such as a hot sauce packet, taco, and a bell). Perhaps you could couple this with the Taco Bell fanny pack to ensure you can fit all your spare Taco Bell hot sauce packets for easy access regardless of where you are. Maybe while you’re rushing around with your sunglasses and fanny pack you realize you need to download a file on a USB drive; well as usual, Taco Bell has got you covered with their hot-sauce packet shaped USB drive. After an exhausting day, though, you should have no fear because your matching Taco Bell blanket and hot sauce pillow are here to guarantee heavenly comfort and the utmost quality of sleep so you’re well rested for your next day.


While some people may argue that the food of a fast food chain should establish its dominance, it’s clear that the overall experience of fast food chains are indicative of their superiority. As such, the Taco Bell merch and the immensely inclusive community it creates through the extensive collection of merch they offer means they cater to everyone in a way no other fast food chain can. Even if you disagree about this opinion on Taco Bell as a whole, we can all definitely conclude that the mexican pizza has to be returned, so don’t forget to fill out this petition as soon as possible (and make sure all your friends do it as well).

CONTROVERSY EDITION

Why Taco Bell is the Best Fast Food Chain

Rahil Patel